Conscious or Not: Reflections on My Spiritual Path
Conscious or not.
Aware or not.
We are on something.
I call it a spiritual journey. But is it really a journey? If it is, when did it begin? And does it end?
Most of my life, I believe I’ve been spiritually unconscious — just moving, existing, functioning. I’ve had moments of clarity here and there, actually more frequently when I was younger. But they were sporadic. Fleeting. Almost accidental.
Then there were long stretches where nothing happened. Or at least it felt that way. I was lost in obscurity. Just going through life automatically and calling it normal.
The only times I knew something was wrong were the moments I felt terrible — depressed, deeply heavy inside.
The Milestones of Clarity
Those spontaneous moments of clarity I experienced over the years — I held onto them. They became milestones. Signs.
Reminders that there is more.
More to feel. More to experience. More to live.
Not mysteries waiting to be found, necessarily. Maybe not even waiting to be sought. But perhaps wanting to be known.
I’m 52 now. This year I’ll be 53.
And it wasn’t until 2017 — when I was 44 — that I consciously took steps onto what I now call my spiritual path.
2017: The Conscious Beginning
It began in a dark place. I think that’s true for many people — the light becomes visible only after you’ve known darkness.
For years before that, I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know where I fit in. I didn’t know what I was meant to do. I just moved through life automatically and labeled it “living.”
Looking back, I call that period my “indexing years.” I was storing experiences without awareness. Walking around, functioning, but not truly leading my life. Not truly living.
There was a loneliness in me. A deep sadness I couldn’t explain.
But in 2017, something awakened.
From somewhere deeper — soul-connected — I said I was done with certain things. And in saying that, something else opened.
I found myself drawn to Buddhism. Outside of forced Sunday school as a child — which I left feeling like I learned very little — I had never really explored spirituality intentionally.
Then I was guided to a free Buddhism book online. I don’t remember the author. But when I flipped through it, the section on death struck me.
It resonated.
I contemplated death — not in fear, but in acceptance. I understood, almost instantly, that death is part of life. That it isn’t something to fear.
That was the beginning. My conscious beginning.
Ayahuasca and Vipassana
Shortly after, I attended a three-day ayahuasca retreat. My intention was clear: I wanted to access my subconscious more deeply.
The experiences were profound. Some of them I am still uncovering today. There are moments from that retreat I revisit internally, using them as reference points for continued self-work.
That same year, I attended a 10-day Vipassana silent retreat outside Madrid, Spain.
The greatest gift from that experience was learning to truly see within.
There were many realizations during those ten days — and in the years that followed. Something shifted permanently.
Around that time, I also met my wife. That, too, felt like an awakening. Or maybe a recall.
Spiritual growth began to feel effortless. I started to see more clearly. Manifestation felt natural. I caught a glimpse of my potential.
That was the true beginning of my journey.
Moving Forward in Consciousness
Since then, I haven’t often stopped to reflect the way I am now — sitting and recalling where I’ve been, where I am, and perhaps where I’m going.
Today, I know more of who I am. I have developed tools — inner faculties — that help me perceive subtle truths and the unseen layers influencing my life.
Looking back, I can see distance between who I was and who I am now. Consciously, I am further along.
If you’re unconscious, are you walking your path? Maybe not consciously. But you’re still on it — perhaps just stomping in the same place.
Once you become conscious, you begin to move.
luminating the Path
The way I perceive it now, there are many possible paths. But it’s like being in a dark room.
Each step must be luminated by my own choices, experiences, and embodiment.
Once I take a step, the next one reveals itself.
It’s still cloudy. But everything I’ve learned so far is part of me now. And yet, as I move higher — in frequency, in awareness — it’s as if everything becomes new again.
What I gained before sometimes feels insufficient for where I am now.
And that’s where struggle returns.
The Challenge of Progress
The spiritual path can be deceptive.
You reach a point. You unlock something. You gain insight, skill, even gifts. It’s easy to think, “This is it. I’ve arrived.”
But the higher you go, the faster things change.
What once felt like truth evolves. You realize you can stay there — or move on.
And when you move on, you carry nothing tangible with you. It feels like starting from nothing again.
Yet you have embodied what you needed to learn. So in truth, you carry everything — just not in the way you expect.
Living in the World While Walking the Path
It can be difficult to live in this reality while walking the spiritual path deeply.
Things become less important.
But something else grows.
Beauty increases. Compassion deepens. You see value where you didn’t before. You begin to smile from within.
You feel more deeply. You appreciate more vividly.
That’s what you carry forward.
Each shift in frequency feels like entering a new reality — one offering a different perspective on truth. And this journey, ultimately, must be walked alone.
Alone as a person, yes. Though you may have guides, ancestors, or spiritual companions. Still, it is you who must take the step.
Here and Now
So now, I’m sitting in my car, surrounded by snow, reflecting on my path.
Saying it out loud to myself.
Acknowledging that I don’t truly own anything — not even what I once called “my life.”
What was once everything now feels like something I occasionally glimpse in the rearview mirror.
And I keep moving forward.
Conscious.
~ Dane Anthony Broderick
If these reflections resonate
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